remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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