im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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