I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
