I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We are all done wearing pants today
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
