Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
