I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
