hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
