so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
