ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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