I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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