guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
