y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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