Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
