I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it's not cheating when I paid for it
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
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