Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
