Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
