Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
