the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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