i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
