I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
