Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
