Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I can text with my tongue
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
