seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
