Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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