I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
