her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
