Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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