I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
