the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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