she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
