Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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