I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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