If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
