and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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