these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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