Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm too high and old for this...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
