I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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