Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
