i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
