take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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