alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
