lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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