Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Just puked most of my soul out..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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