My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she looked like the before picture.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
