3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
