quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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