bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
