Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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