Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
