He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
