Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
